


Pasta a'la Poisoned

by TypicalRAinbow



Series: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways [5]
Category: The Worst Witch (TV)
Genre: F/F, Food, Love Confessions, Love Potion/Spell, Multi, Poisoning, Slapstick, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 09:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9172861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalRAinbow/pseuds/TypicalRAinbow
Summary: Dinner in the staff room becomes quite a pickle, when it turns out the food's been tainted.





	1. Chapter 1

“I’m not hungry.” Constance said simply and stubbornly. 

“Too bad.” Imogen replied in the same manner and put a full plate down in front of her anyway.

“What’s wrong with noodles and fruit salad?” Davina asked as a plate was passed to her.

“Nothing in moderation, Davina,” Amelia supplied calmly, ladenling out another plate full of spaghetti and topping it with the Bolognese . “but you can’t survive on that alone.”

“It doesn’t normally stop anyone trying so with regular salad and lettuce.” Constance said, incredibly offhandedly and not aimed at anyone what so ever. 

“just like it doesn’t stop those who try to live off just breakfast tea and air, like a lettuce.” Imogen said, as airly as a cloud and not in reply or to anyone in particular sat at the table.

“You mean Photosynthesis? surly you covered that in your non-witch science O level.” Constance sniffed. Imogen scowled.

 

“OH!” Davina started suddenly making them all jump before dashing out the staffroom door near knocking the table over in her haste. “I forgot the drinks! I’ll be back in a moment, don’t wait, eat before it gets cold-!”

Amelia rolled her eyes and passed on the bread basket. Banned from her cupboard for an hour, this was clearly Davina’s way of escaping the irritated tension in the room. especially as there was a jug of water and a bottle of rosé on the table. Abit mostly now leaving pink splurges on the table cloth.

 

Miss Hardbroom and Miss Drill currently weren’t speaking to each other; which always seem to cause more noise then when they were being civil(-ish) to each other. But at least it wasn’t the deafening volume Davina’s silent treatment rose too; so Amelia actively ignored their passive aggressiveness comments. 

“Is this really nessary, Headmistress?” Constance complained. 

“Yes. Because, for once we as colleges are going to have a meal- a full meal not just leaves- at the same time with no one dashing off, vanishing or hiding in cupboards. and with no potions or food being throw around.” Amelia decreed.

“Miss Bat’s already dashed off.“ 

“That doesn’t count she’s gone to get drinks. We agreed. all of us. sat down together-“

“Miss Bat’s not here.”

“-with no arguments.”

“Are we counting heated discussions?”

“Or healthy debates?”

“No. We agreed on this remember? now tuck in.” Amelia instead and sat down to her own plate of pasta. 

A rather cheese lacking plate of pasta. And when she looked about for the extra parmesan and the grated cheddar Amelia knew she’d set out it wasn’t there and the others had very guilty looking innocent faces. She was certain her staff ms tapioca included were sneakily cutting down her cheese, cream and cake intake behind her back. She’d be having words.

And she was about to have them too when she realised Constance hadn’t so much as picked up her fork or glass. 

Just as the fruit Bat and Imogen’s strict speedy on the go savouries (and unbenown to Amelia, her own cheesey treats), Constance’s meal plan or lack of them had also been privately discussed as a issue in need of, perhaps not fixing but keeping an eye on and perhaps tweaking a little.

Amelia had hoped if they got into the good habit all sitting together, eating the same at the same time would get out of bad habits.

 

But Constance was still tight lipped with her arms folded and she eyed at the food in front of her wearily, as if it might bite her rather then the other way around. 

 

Miss Drill noticed too. And judging by the look on her face mid chew and the discreet nod she gave her boss she was about to (temporary ) put aside what ever it was the two had fallen out over to be supportive.

“you don’t have to eat all of it, Constance.” she said bluntly. but more to her own plate and quiet enough for Amelia to pretend she didn’t hear one head strong woman coaxing the other. “just eat what you can.” 

“Why?” Constance sneered. “Are you afraid Mrs tapioca going to complain to the three of you about untouched plates again?”

 

Amelia dropped her fork. So much for secretive. she ducked under the table to find it.

“I’m not hungry,” Constance repeated. She could have said she was going to the moon for all the good it did her.

“either way you’re not spag-getting out this.” Imogen said, and received a suitable reaction that such word play does. Amelia nearly banged her head on the table as she sat up. “try it. it is really good Pasta.”

 

“Unlike you’re awful puns.” 

 

Amelia had to agree with Constance that one. 

 

“Think of it as fuel your bad temper then. better then photoscythasizing.” Imogen replied. She speared another vegetable lump and took a bite, as with everything she did, dramatically and turning it into a challenge. Constance rolled her eyes but she wasn’t one for letting the gym mistress get one over on her. Amelia, cleaning her cutlery with a napkin watched like a hawk as Constance, despite her sparrow like appetite, actually forced herself a dainty fork full of mincemeat. 

“well? Has mrs tapioca and the third years out done themselves?”

“Hmm, It’s delious.” Imogen nodded enthusiastically.

The deputy witch made a none comital noise and said, “I suppose so.” but continued slow well chewed small bites.

“That’s the spirt.” Amelia beamed. giving up on locating the cheese for now, she started buttering a bread roll, grateful Davina hadn’t also remembered her wild garlic bread. 

Just as she went to take a currency bite out of the roll, it and her plate of pasta was poofied out of sight. Both Constance and Imogen jumped, bemused as she was though a lot less cross.

 

“What the blue blazes-?!“ she spluttered her patience spent. Especially when she saw Davina in the door way hands hung in spell form. “Miss Bat, I about to eat that-!”

 

“Oh- we -we came as fast as we could!” Davina gasped.

“we?” Constance scowled.

“don’t tell me we’re too late!” Frank Blossom groaned as he staggered up the stairs behind Davina, clutching his side. 

“to late for what?” Imogen asked. The trio at the table were still no the wiser when Maria Tapioca carered in to the pair in the door way and they tumbled panting into the staff room landing in a loud heap that then tried to clamber back up again.

“the food! the sauce- mamma mia don’t eat it Miss Cackle-!“

“I didn’t.” Amelia said quietly. They all looked in horror from Constance to Imogen and the plates in front of them. Both with forks in their hands. both stared at each other, visibly blanched and audibly gulped...


	2. Chapter 2

Then of corse pandemonium broke out. The table was shaken and crockery spilt as everyone scrambled to their feet; Constance and Imogen wiping and scrubbing at their mouths with napkins as if it would do any good. Although it was much more useful then shouting in the staffroom.

 

“What’s wrong with the food?”

 

“Miss Hardabroom actually ate it too?!”

 

“Oh don't start, not now!”

 

“We came fast as we could!” 

 

“What’s wrong with the pasta?”

 

“We only just found the bottle!”

 

And more yelling to that effect from six separate individuals; including one who had a tendency to revert to Italian when stressed. Amongst the chaos also, or rather adding to it Constance vanished- a rarity in the staffroom- and reappeared next to the non witch, pulling a shocked Imogen up by the collar searching her face for any sign of illness.

 

“Look at me-! Do you feel ill at all? Can you see clearly?”

 

“Have we been poisoned?!” Imogen gasped trying to wriggle out of the potions mistress grip. “No I don’t! Constance let go-! Are you alright? What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, Don’t so dramatic Miss Drill!” Constance snapped before turning on Tapioca (not having let Imogen loose). “Have we been? What was in it?”

 

“Che ne so, you’ra the potions teacher!”

 

“Just spit it out!” Davina flapped shaking the pair like rag dolls. “Throw it up!”

 

And again, more yelling to that effect.

 

“I THINK-!” Amelia finally intervened, projecting her voice as she would in assembly; not shouting but defiantly making sure those at the back were paying attention. It certainly made her staff freeze “That we should sit down and sort this out. Calmly. There might be no reason to panic.”

 

“Well neither of us have dropped dead yet at least." Imogen deadpanned. "It can’t be all that bad.”

 

Constance dropped her on the floor.

 

“Now you three,” Amelia said trying to remain the voice of reason and not to worry about the two teachers as every one took a place around the table (and ignored got the deliberate hard nudge Miss Hardbroom’s chair got after Imogen scrambled back to her feet.) “What is going on? What’s so wrong with the sauce you all dashed in as if the castle was on fire?”

 

There was a lot of talking over one another but general gist was trouble. Both HB and Drill looked worse with every word.

 

“We think some one’s put something in your dinners that ort not be in there. And I don’t just mean chilli sauce.” Frank said gravely. “I was clearing up the kitchens and found this bottle-”

 

“It’s not mine. But its strong magic I know that much and Franko fond it where the girls were.” Maria agreed. “Then Missa Bat came in an we realised we had to stop dinner quick.” 

 

“I couldn’t see what it was down stairs its to dark.” Davina squeaked, “But it’s powerful, Mrs Tee is right you can feel the magic coming off it in waves.”

 

“Well, alright. That is worrying. but there’s no proof what ever it is actually in the Spaghetti Bolenase.” Amelia frowned hoping to be reasuring despite the stress.

 

“At least it wasn’t in the salad this time.” Davina reasoned. Her positive think didn't stop a salad leaf flicking her in the face. 

 

“So much for not throwing food around.” Amelia thought letting another round of bickering flare up and settle down. “Or potion lacing. honestly how are the girls able to keep doing that.” 

 

“Maria, where’s this bottle now?” 

 

Mrs Tapioca fished said item out and popped it on the table. It was small clear plastic fizzy drinks bottle, but with a fat cork bunged in it’s neck and the labels clawed off. It was also almost empty, save for the last remainder of dark Swirling liquid, shook up from being in an apron pocket. When Amelia held it up it glittered red and purple in the sun light.

 

 

And on seeing it, Constance on seeing let out a strangled gasp. That in itself scared every one.

 

“What it is HB?” Amelia said sharply. “Do you know what it is?”

 

“Yes. I hope I’m very very wrong headmistress,” she hissed, still staring at the bottle. “But that looks surpisously like Montmorency.”

 

Amelia gasped dropping the bottle. Davina shrieked and edged toward her cupboard. 

 

"Oh my!"

 

"Oh no!"

 

“Right. Of corse it is.” Imogen scowled. “and In english for the non-witches that would mean what-?”

 

“It means it’s a ruddy cheap strong LOVE Potion, Miss Drill!” 

 

Maria gasped dropping the plates and Frank shrieked, making everyone jump but other then that there was silence. bar the clock tock tick. everyone held their breath, all eyes were on Miss Hardbroom and Miss Drill and the bottle. 

 

“Oh hell.” Miss Drill whispered.

 

“Indeed.” Miss Hardbroom said back.

 

“So you mean to tell me,” Amelia said slowly, her voice wavering, “that you two’ve been quite possibly poisoned-? With a love potion? At the same time.”

 

Constance nodded mutely. Her big brown eyes swivelled from the bottle on the floor to met Imogen’s green ones, and they stared at each other in quiet terror…


	3. Chapter 3

 

Horror that slowly turned to confusion. 

Amongst which Frank nearly went blue in the face from oxygen deprivation (- he’d never been that good at holding his breath.)

“Isn’t something supposed to happen then?” Imogen asked. 

“yes. instantly.” Constance blinked, then addressed the group. “but I don’t feel any different.”

 

“You two certainly aren’t acting like you’ve been dosed with love potion.” Amelia said, relieved. “Are you sure it’s Montmorency ?” 

 

“Positive. however I’d rather not test it on anyone to make sure.”

 

“aye or maybe the sauce has diluted it? Or made it go off?” Frank suggested.

Constance looked as if she would very much like to shoot down his ideas for suggesting a tomato could do that to a potion but he was allowed to live and carry on suggesting suggestions. “maybe its a trick? maybe the girls only put the bottle in the kitchen to make you think you’re in love with each other against your will. maybe it’s not love potion or if it is theres noting actually in the food.”

 

That seemed plausible, and more a Cackle’s girl style. However a quick spell confirmed it was love potion. Defiantly Montmorency. Worse the same spell confirmed it was in food (but not in the tea thankfully). In very large quantities. And even a non witch like Imogen knew how bad that was.

 

“I don’t understand.” Constance said more to herself as the pink of the indicator spell faded, yet vocing what everyone was thinking.She got up and moved around the table Imogen who obediently stood up and kept still without command, as Constance held her by her shoulders andreexamined Imogen more carefull this time. “you don’t look to have any symptoms. And you feel normal?”

 

“As normal as one can be around here. What about you?” Imogen shrugged. Constance ignored the question too busy scrutinising every inch of imogen’s face, using two gentle fingers hold the smaller woman’s her chin up. “Actually what even are the symptoms?”

 

“Oh, pretty much whats in Shakespeare and bad fiction about love at first sight and potions affecting the heart.” Davina shrugged with an air of been there done that. “ The first person you see is suddenly your one true love that you’d do anything for, with lots of delorations, passion and ravaging. So if the first person you saw after eating Montmorency was each other, then reason stands you should be all over each like teenage rabbits.”

 

Everyone (partially the younger teachers) cringed both embarrassed and nautious at hearing that from Davina Bat.

 

“But they aren’t. You both look the same as you ever do.” Amelia commented as Imogen ducked out of Constance’s hold much to the witch’s annoyance. “Although you are being civil to each other; should i be worried?”

 

“No.” Constance said in the same tone she’d said i’m not hungry in earlier. It still didn’t do her much good.

 

“Miss Hardbroom, are you sure you’re alright?” Imogen pushed, “You don’t feel any different? at all?” 

 

“Yes. No, I feel no different at all.”

 

“How can you act so calm about this?!” 

 

“Clearly one of us has to be!” Constance snapped. “Don’t be ridiculous, Miss Drill, you’re perfectly Fine. We both are.”

 

“how can you be certain?”

 

With that the pair went back to bickering as per normal. The remained of staff shared a look, the “worse then an old married couple” look. 

 

“I’m set be going back to the kitchens,” Ms Tapioca sighed piling up the plates again “I’ll whip upa something to replace this avvelenato non buona pasta.”

 

“That would be lovely Maria thank you.” Amelia sighed. “speaking of which, Miss Hardbroom-“ The argument paused mid slander. Good thing too as they were almost toe to toe with spite again. “Could you brew an antidote please? “

 

“Is it really necessary if she’d so certain we’re fine?” Imogen bristled. 

 

“Best be on the safe side, Miss Drill we may need it later. ” Amelia said. “just incase it’s gotten anywhere else. Like the girls suppers.”

 

“Certainly, headmistress. You’d better come with me anyway Miss Drill and have a dose. ‘Best be on the safe side.’ ” Constance clipped and turned on her heel expecting Imogen to fall into step behind her. Not expecting Miss Bat to do so as well.

 

“I don’t think it will work.” Davina said what would be in a sing-song voice if wasn’t more chant-chant. Both stopped in their tracks. Well Constance stopped in her tracks. Imogen stopped in Constance’s to narrowly avoid crashing into her and ended up caught between the two. 

 

“ExCuse me?” the taller witch said,turning about glaring at the batty woman over the PE teachers head. “are you questioning my ability as Potions teacher?”

 

“Not really but I thought you of all people would know better then this.”Davina smiled with a look of someone who’d straight away worked out the entire plot of a will they won’t they rom-com saga. Imogen looked as confused as everyone else.

 

“Do you know what she’s going on about-?” Imogen asked HB, then suddenly concerned, “Miss Hardbroom? are you alright? You’ve gone very pale- well paler..”

 

“The Antidote. I don’t think it’ll work. On you two.” Davina sighed, as if Constance was being extremely thick not noticing that all the colour had drained from the potions mistresses face. “Oh honestly. You two. It’s common knowledge after all-“ 

“Common knowledge?!” Miss Hardbroom scorned. “don’t be so perpostioious!” realising everyone was looking at her she added defensively, “it’s just an old wives tale.”

Amelia rested her head in her palm and inwardly groaned. It was a wive's tale, but was based on truth.

 

“It is not!” Davina argued.

 

“It is too!”

 

“Wha’ is?” Frank asked over the top of stacked plates.

 

“It’s not!”

 

“Is too!”

 

“Cos’é?”

 

“Not!”

 

“Is!”

 

“What is or is not?!” Imogen asked getting really irritated at the arguing and bing stuck in the middle, enough to jab HB in thechest for attention.

 

 

“Nothing!” Constance hissed. “It’s a just a silly silly superstition that-“

 

“It’s not!” Davina hissed back. “Everone knows that-!”

 

“That a love potion-” Amelia finished, having cottoned on to what Davina had been implying. “Montmorency in particular,”

 

“Miss Cackle, Really! I must protest-!” She could have said she was going to atlantis for all the good it did her.

 

“Doesn't have any affect on you if the first person you see… is a person you’re already in love with.”


End file.
